(This post was originally published privately on 13 March 2015. It was moved to public visibility on 16 May 2023.)
I thought about going in and editing what I wrote in my last blog post, but I think the oddness and the typos keep it more real, which is something I prefer at present. It stays more honest that way. And although I am doing loads better than I was for the latter half of last year and even the past couple of months, I feel like I have done a disservice to some of my readers by not writing enough and letting them in on the reality of what cancer life is usually like. I’m sorry I didn’t write more before.
This is one of the few updates I posted onto social media over the past few months:
January 25 at 3:12am · Edited ·
Update on myself:
Cancer is a surreal experience. You see someone close to you fight the battle, so you think you understand it. In truth, that is not at all true. You wont ever comprehend it unless it is your personal cross to bear. That is not to say that every day is terrible, because in my case that is far from the truth. It is, however, all a blur or a haze where all the days run into each other like an oversaturated, watercolored depiction of what life used to be. I’m optimistic most of the time. Years of meditation has enabled me to compartmentalize and segregate my true feelings about it. I locked them away so securely that it would probably require Pandora to unlock them. So I simply continue in my hazey life from day to day, often, simply, from hour to hour.
I think I’m okay. I think I am well. I am healing excellently from surgery. My main battle is finding, utilizing, and not exhausting my energy. I miss exercise soo much. Many days this week it has been a struggle to even shower or brush my hair. Other days I feel perfectly normal and human again. Balance and consistency are great personal goals for now. The biggest trial has been my mentality. I have lost my keen mental edge I used to love about myself. Fatigue causes me to retreat inside myself rather than hold any substantial conversations. But I think that I will rise above these things eventually. I am a fighter and still possess enough tenacity to not let this chapter of my life define me.
The responses I received from this made me cry. I received so much wisdom and the encouragement which was so freely imparted gave me even more motivation to push hard and fight strong. I hope you all know how much you mean to me.